I never considered myself an environmental crusader. I'm certainly not in favor of slashing down acres of ancient forest or destroying the ozone but my allegiance to the planet itself has yet to drive me down a path where I actively railed against the wrongs we humans commit against our own home.
Lately however, both my understanding of and relationship to the earth are shifting.
In meditation training we learn to establish a connection to the earth as well as work with energy from the planet. Now I am coming to better realize what that connection and energy can provide. Simply put, they cut through all the existential questions around belonging, worth and value of individual human life.
I'm quite sure for some people this is dead simple and my realization not very interesting.
But if you're someone who's spent your life trying to quantify your own value and worth through the culture, family, politics and religion you just happened to be born into you might appreciate what I'm discovering.
Which is that all of the above is human machination - and while we run from one idea and its manifestation to the next - the earth continues to rotate on its axis supporting all of it.
Once I stepped back and started to define my existence by my earth citizenship first rather than to a state, country, family, culture, generation or any other human organization I started to relax and see that just like a tree that grows up out of the ground and therefore has right to be here so do I.
Without this realization and understanding one could spend years caught up in quandary around how and why one had any reason or permission to exist and take up space on the planet.
Things of course get complicated - well we human beings make things complicated - and as we do the sun rises and sets on the earth. I wonder how rooted in this realization the environmental movement truly is .... or if from time to time it too gets caught up in the drama that gets created by collective human minds.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Finding A New Edge
I had a rough weekend; things got stirred up and I think I found a new edge. There was a moment on Sunday when I just couldn't move. I ended up sitting in my car which was parked in the garage. Just me and a couple of bags of groceries from Rainbow. Once I got to the point where I gave in and just sat there without trying to force myself to move I felt better.
It was kind of amazing to discover and lean into a place where I could go no further. Pema writes about this in 'Start Where You Are - The Wisdom Of No Escape'. I happened to crack that particular book later in the afternoon after said edge discovery. I don't remember verbatim what she wrote but I do remember her talking about the idea that it doesn't really matter where you are when you discover your edge the point is that you reached it, notice it and can learn from it.
I'm not totally certain what I'm learning from this particular edge but I do know that the more I open my heart to myself and this place the easier it is to be with it.
It was kind of amazing to discover and lean into a place where I could go no further. Pema writes about this in 'Start Where You Are - The Wisdom Of No Escape'. I happened to crack that particular book later in the afternoon after said edge discovery. I don't remember verbatim what she wrote but I do remember her talking about the idea that it doesn't really matter where you are when you discover your edge the point is that you reached it, notice it and can learn from it.
I'm not totally certain what I'm learning from this particular edge but I do know that the more I open my heart to myself and this place the easier it is to be with it.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
INFJ
Okay, I hate personality profiling, I think it's totally lame. What irks me aren't the tests, it's the idea that after taking one people will just suddenly know how to interact with me or anyone else. That I'll be summarily categorized and never really listened to or understood. This is my fear associated with these things; perhaps it's reactionary - so be it.
But I took one anyway - on an online dating site no less - and apparently I am an 'Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judger'.
Here's more about me as an INJF:
The written word is sacred to you because through it, you can understand and express the mysteries of life. When you are not writing, you are exercising another of your supreme talents - the gift of listening - to comfort and aid those who come to you for advice and guidance.
INFJ when in love
When it comes to affairs of the heart, you prefer to express yourself with your pen: poetry, journal writing, and tender notes left on the bathroom mirror are your favorite methods of communicating your love and devotion. As a Mystic Writer (only about 2 percent of the population), you tend to devote most of your time and energy to your mate. In fact, you can be quite content having your partner as your sole source of quality companionship - as your best and only friend. Unfortunately, this near-obsession with one individual as your sole source of emotional support could cause you grief. You may decide to avoid your loved ones and spend all your time with your partner, only to find out later, perhaps much later, that he or she is absolutely wrong for you. In the mean time, you prolong a bad relationship by deluding yourself - with your highly developed sense of imagination - into believing he or she is the right one.
INFJ where to meet
Where can you meet a Mystic Writer? Mystic Writers are the most reclusive of the Meaning Seeker LoveTypes. You may have a hard time unearthing them because they often enjoy kicking back at home: reading, writing, thinking, praying, meditating, or listening to music. Excellent places to meet Mystic Writers include churches, synagogues, or other religious institutions. Although any of the LoveTypes may be involved in religious or spiritual activities, Mystic Writers are especially known for their spiritual (although not necessarily religious in the traditional sense) nature.
Wow - so now I have a good excuse for all the writing I so like to do! And! Bonus prize an explanation for my imagination which has gotten me into trouble a time or two but it's been some of the best trouble imaginable!!!!!
But I took one anyway - on an online dating site no less - and apparently I am an 'Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judger'.
Here's more about me as an INJF:
The written word is sacred to you because through it, you can understand and express the mysteries of life. When you are not writing, you are exercising another of your supreme talents - the gift of listening - to comfort and aid those who come to you for advice and guidance.
INFJ when in love
When it comes to affairs of the heart, you prefer to express yourself with your pen: poetry, journal writing, and tender notes left on the bathroom mirror are your favorite methods of communicating your love and devotion. As a Mystic Writer (only about 2 percent of the population), you tend to devote most of your time and energy to your mate. In fact, you can be quite content having your partner as your sole source of quality companionship - as your best and only friend. Unfortunately, this near-obsession with one individual as your sole source of emotional support could cause you grief. You may decide to avoid your loved ones and spend all your time with your partner, only to find out later, perhaps much later, that he or she is absolutely wrong for you. In the mean time, you prolong a bad relationship by deluding yourself - with your highly developed sense of imagination - into believing he or she is the right one.
INFJ where to meet
Where can you meet a Mystic Writer? Mystic Writers are the most reclusive of the Meaning Seeker LoveTypes. You may have a hard time unearthing them because they often enjoy kicking back at home: reading, writing, thinking, praying, meditating, or listening to music. Excellent places to meet Mystic Writers include churches, synagogues, or other religious institutions. Although any of the LoveTypes may be involved in religious or spiritual activities, Mystic Writers are especially known for their spiritual (although not necessarily religious in the traditional sense) nature.
Wow - so now I have a good excuse for all the writing I so like to do! And! Bonus prize an explanation for my imagination which has gotten me into trouble a time or two but it's been some of the best trouble imaginable!!!!!
Our Perception Of Personal Power
We are far less powerful than we think and far more powerful than we realize; the space between the two ia a barren canyon.
It is within the smallest choices we make in each moment - which thought we entertain, which emotion we grasp onto for dear life, which one we let pass by like a cloud - that our power lies. And we have nothing but choices in this life and as such we are extremely powerful beings.
On the flip side, we struggle, we grasp, we cling, we orchestra symphonies of thought based on an underlying supposition that we have control of things and people outside of ourselves and through a cunning execution of our thought forms we can control everything in order to maintain the homeostasis that keeps us from coming face to face with the dreaded uncertainty - not knowing - being in the moment and not having a clue - the raw, unpolished edges of shame, fear, love, hope, happiness, sorrow, grief, sadness, the unknown, whatever it is.
The truth is we are simply not powerful enough to control to the extent that our fear would like us to.
If we could simply remember that the power we do have sits in our willingness to take responsibility for our choices we might be less inclined to attempt to control.
It is within the smallest choices we make in each moment - which thought we entertain, which emotion we grasp onto for dear life, which one we let pass by like a cloud - that our power lies. And we have nothing but choices in this life and as such we are extremely powerful beings.
On the flip side, we struggle, we grasp, we cling, we orchestra symphonies of thought based on an underlying supposition that we have control of things and people outside of ourselves and through a cunning execution of our thought forms we can control everything in order to maintain the homeostasis that keeps us from coming face to face with the dreaded uncertainty - not knowing - being in the moment and not having a clue - the raw, unpolished edges of shame, fear, love, hope, happiness, sorrow, grief, sadness, the unknown, whatever it is.
The truth is we are simply not powerful enough to control to the extent that our fear would like us to.
If we could simply remember that the power we do have sits in our willingness to take responsibility for our choices we might be less inclined to attempt to control.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
What Do You Do When You Can't Be Present
I'm so nerve wracked lately; for two very different reasons. I'm having a really hard time just staying in present time; I keep finding myself fast forwarding into the future as an attempt to create some sense of safety and peace. In the end this is of course pretty silly because I just end up coming back to the present to find all the stuff that's pushing my buttons in the first place.
I was reading some Pema the other night and she was talking about trying to see everything that comes up as simply occurrences and spaciousness. I think the idea is that cultivating this perspective is a good way to get us out from under the attachment to what we like and don't like.
I have such a fear of loss sometimes - I guess everyone does - I'm sure struggling with it now - I think it's what motivates me to take little sojourns into future time. When that fear shows up it wreaks havoc - I am unable to listen to what my body and being are telling me - any balance I'd previously cultivated is whacked. Once I snap out of it I worry that my fear has caused me to make mistakes that will in the end contribute to the loss that I'm afraid of to begin with. And so the self fulfilling prophecy is born! Wahhhhhoooooooo!
Okay, so what the fuck am I going to do, say hello to fear and make friends with it. Sounds fun. Pema would tell me something like work with unlimited friendliness and unconditional love for myself in order to embrace everything that comes up - Eddie would tell me a joke that would make me laugh and help shake off the nervous energy that's working me.
I guess in a matter of speaking I just have to remember that no matter what happens everything is going to be okay.
I was reading some Pema the other night and she was talking about trying to see everything that comes up as simply occurrences and spaciousness. I think the idea is that cultivating this perspective is a good way to get us out from under the attachment to what we like and don't like.
I have such a fear of loss sometimes - I guess everyone does - I'm sure struggling with it now - I think it's what motivates me to take little sojourns into future time. When that fear shows up it wreaks havoc - I am unable to listen to what my body and being are telling me - any balance I'd previously cultivated is whacked. Once I snap out of it I worry that my fear has caused me to make mistakes that will in the end contribute to the loss that I'm afraid of to begin with. And so the self fulfilling prophecy is born! Wahhhhhoooooooo!
Okay, so what the fuck am I going to do, say hello to fear and make friends with it. Sounds fun. Pema would tell me something like work with unlimited friendliness and unconditional love for myself in order to embrace everything that comes up - Eddie would tell me a joke that would make me laugh and help shake off the nervous energy that's working me.
I guess in a matter of speaking I just have to remember that no matter what happens everything is going to be okay.
Friday, October 19, 2007
4 Ways To Rock My World
- put Purple Rain soundtrack on repeat
- remind me that time doesn't actually exist and that the time i have left before my product is set to launch will be more than enough because it (time - not my product) is imaginary anyway
- take me to a dance floor
- make me laugh
somebody ..... please .... i'm dying over here.
- remind me that time doesn't actually exist and that the time i have left before my product is set to launch will be more than enough because it (time - not my product) is imaginary anyway
- take me to a dance floor
- make me laugh
somebody ..... please .... i'm dying over here.
Sound In Your Head - Back From The Dead
People actually reading 'Sound In Your Head' - so I opened it back up!
Which led to my reading some of it - and wow - I did some stuff.
Which led to my reading some of it - and wow - I did some stuff.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Fall Pruning
It's beautiful here - I spent hours on my bike over the weekend soaking up the sun that will soon be replaced by clouds and rain.
And tonight I put 'Sound In Your Head' to rest.
I started it in 2002 and five years later I look back on it as a very different person. I'm not entirely sure that I'm the type of person who blogs anymore.
Posting life updates on Twitter and Facebook seem equally vapid but socially acceptable for the moment.
I wish I could get behind the blogging thing 100% but when I look back at all my posts I'm not sure who I'm writing for or who the hell would even read what I wrote.
Eddie and Pema may vanish as well but for now it's still here.
And tonight I put 'Sound In Your Head' to rest.
I started it in 2002 and five years later I look back on it as a very different person. I'm not entirely sure that I'm the type of person who blogs anymore.
Posting life updates on Twitter and Facebook seem equally vapid but socially acceptable for the moment.
I wish I could get behind the blogging thing 100% but when I look back at all my posts I'm not sure who I'm writing for or who the hell would even read what I wrote.
Eddie and Pema may vanish as well but for now it's still here.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Tracker - RIP
Today I got the news that my friend Kyle Brown, otherwise known throughout the world as Tracker, died two weeks ago.
Tracker was one of the few people who I grew up with in Sacramento that knew very much about me and what's interesting was that I don't ever remember having to explain or sort myself out to him.
I met Tracker at an underground club no doubt; he was the big black dude amongst a bunch of skinny, pale new wave kids. He looked after the girls; I remember that. And Tracker knew without question how much music meant to me. This was something that we shared.
While I was working for Tower Records in Boston (after having left Sacramento), Tracker showed up in my life again vis a via a self portrait in sharpie on a piece of cardboard that got shipped from MTS in Sacramento where he worked to the basement of my store in Boston. It read, 'To Stacia Yo, Ho! Tracker'. I remember wandering down to the basement of the store one day only to find this little message sitting on the floor waiting for me to stumble across it. It made me smile, it made me feel like someone from my home missed and remembered me.
While I was working for CMJ in New York City, an instant message window with an unfamiliar name popped up on my monitor. Boom! A decade later there was Tracker. We picked up right where we left off talking about music, he sent me some of his stuff to listen to and asked for my opinions, was quick to tell me how much they meant to him given my love and devotion to music. He made me feel terrific and he made me feel understood.
Thank you Tracker - you are missed, loved and will be remembered.
Tracker was one of the few people who I grew up with in Sacramento that knew very much about me and what's interesting was that I don't ever remember having to explain or sort myself out to him.
I met Tracker at an underground club no doubt; he was the big black dude amongst a bunch of skinny, pale new wave kids. He looked after the girls; I remember that. And Tracker knew without question how much music meant to me. This was something that we shared.
While I was working for Tower Records in Boston (after having left Sacramento), Tracker showed up in my life again vis a via a self portrait in sharpie on a piece of cardboard that got shipped from MTS in Sacramento where he worked to the basement of my store in Boston. It read, 'To Stacia Yo, Ho! Tracker'. I remember wandering down to the basement of the store one day only to find this little message sitting on the floor waiting for me to stumble across it. It made me smile, it made me feel like someone from my home missed and remembered me.
While I was working for CMJ in New York City, an instant message window with an unfamiliar name popped up on my monitor. Boom! A decade later there was Tracker. We picked up right where we left off talking about music, he sent me some of his stuff to listen to and asked for my opinions, was quick to tell me how much they meant to him given my love and devotion to music. He made me feel terrific and he made me feel understood.
Thank you Tracker - you are missed, loved and will be remembered.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Exhaustion
Training session numero two this morning .... holy crap.
I'm exhausted.
So the skinny is that we are focusing on muscle strength endurance - and mine to date - well it pretty much sucks. Good news is that my core strength and flexibility are very good - thank you bikram yoga. So we are starting in the area that needs the most work.
It's more than the workout ... Monday morning startup - 4 voicemails, texts and missed calls before 9am - follow up investor presentation at 9:30am - sms gateway was down over the weekend - production studio needs attention - production scripts need attention - new people in the office need tending to - developers need answers to questions so they can estimate feature costs. Feedback comes in from board members - needs to be addressed.
I juggle.
All Day Long.
And when I walk to the BART to go home I can barely make it to the platform wishing someone other than me was gonna make my dinner. Salmon and broccoli.
I realized recently that as oldest kid in my family and well a bunch of other factors I tend to relate to other people through my responsibility to them. This lines me up for responsibility and accountability. It's a double edged sword that's been cutting me up lately mostly cause I don't wanna relate this way anymore; but it's what I've known and done and is habit.
It's been interesting as I work to change this people get pissy with me - as is common when people make changes - 'hey! you're not acting the way i've come to expect!'. Well, yeah, get over it.
Burning Man was so good for me - so much permission to indulge and let go of responsibility. I'd give a lot for one night on my own on the playa, bike in tow - dance floors everywhere. Ahhhhhhh - so divine. No one cares if you're alone or with a heap of friends.
I'm exhausted.
So the skinny is that we are focusing on muscle strength endurance - and mine to date - well it pretty much sucks. Good news is that my core strength and flexibility are very good - thank you bikram yoga. So we are starting in the area that needs the most work.
It's more than the workout ... Monday morning startup - 4 voicemails, texts and missed calls before 9am - follow up investor presentation at 9:30am - sms gateway was down over the weekend - production studio needs attention - production scripts need attention - new people in the office need tending to - developers need answers to questions so they can estimate feature costs. Feedback comes in from board members - needs to be addressed.
I juggle.
All Day Long.
And when I walk to the BART to go home I can barely make it to the platform wishing someone other than me was gonna make my dinner. Salmon and broccoli.
I realized recently that as oldest kid in my family and well a bunch of other factors I tend to relate to other people through my responsibility to them. This lines me up for responsibility and accountability. It's a double edged sword that's been cutting me up lately mostly cause I don't wanna relate this way anymore; but it's what I've known and done and is habit.
It's been interesting as I work to change this people get pissy with me - as is common when people make changes - 'hey! you're not acting the way i've come to expect!'. Well, yeah, get over it.
Burning Man was so good for me - so much permission to indulge and let go of responsibility. I'd give a lot for one night on my own on the playa, bike in tow - dance floors everywhere. Ahhhhhhh - so divine. No one cares if you're alone or with a heap of friends.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Fall Focus
And here's the laundry list for the next 3 months:
- Working On Graduate Meditation At PH
- Working On My Energy Healing Practice
- Working Out With A Personal Fitness Trainer
I sense a theme here ...... working ...... yes indeed.
Oh and I failed to mention my new startup that is *working* in stealth mode is scheduled to open for Preview this Fall! I'm excited and BUSY.
Aside from this, I'm really focusing on living from my heart and not so much my head. And this feels very good.
- Working On Graduate Meditation At PH
- Working On My Energy Healing Practice
- Working Out With A Personal Fitness Trainer
I sense a theme here ...... working ...... yes indeed.
Oh and I failed to mention my new startup that is *working* in stealth mode is scheduled to open for Preview this Fall! I'm excited and BUSY.
Aside from this, I'm really focusing on living from my heart and not so much my head. And this feels very good.
Summer Highlights
Learning To Surf
Which might better read, learning how to be pummeled by the ocean and love every minute of it.
A Return To The Land Of Startups
Yeah, third time is the charm, baby. More about this one later.
Burning Man 2007 - My First Time
Yeah, I finally went. And boy did I ever need to. There is a lot to be said for five days of .... where to begin? Desert, dancing, drugs (did I take any of those? ;-), dust, dirt, debauchery, decadence and those are just the ones with the first letter being 'd'.
It's an awesome experience that can't be described; far, far more than a substance fueled party in the desert. It's a lot of things and something different for everyone that attends from what I could surmise.
Which might better read, learning how to be pummeled by the ocean and love every minute of it.
A Return To The Land Of Startups
Yeah, third time is the charm, baby. More about this one later.
Burning Man 2007 - My First Time
Yeah, I finally went. And boy did I ever need to. There is a lot to be said for five days of .... where to begin? Desert, dancing, drugs (did I take any of those? ;-), dust, dirt, debauchery, decadence and those are just the ones with the first letter being 'd'.
It's an awesome experience that can't be described; far, far more than a substance fueled party in the desert. It's a lot of things and something different for everyone that attends from what I could surmise.
3rd Blog Begins
I've felt like making a new one for awhile; postings on Sound In Your Head were getting to resemble an older version of myself that while I appreciate certainly doesn't resonate. I stopped posting for a time as well which I felt pretty good about. Personal blogging can be fairly self indulgent and at times I'm really okay with that and at others it makes me cringe.
I guess I'm feeling the need to express again?
Dunno let's see how it goes.
And my title - - - - it's snagged from the headline of my online dating profile which reads 'The Love Child Of Eddie Izzard and Pema Chodron' - - - yeah, that'd be me. If only in my heart and mind.
I guess I'm feeling the need to express again?
Dunno let's see how it goes.
And my title - - - - it's snagged from the headline of my online dating profile which reads 'The Love Child Of Eddie Izzard and Pema Chodron' - - - yeah, that'd be me. If only in my heart and mind.
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