I had a rough weekend; things got stirred up and I think I found a new edge. There was a moment on Sunday when I just couldn't move. I ended up sitting in my car which was parked in the garage. Just me and a couple of bags of groceries from Rainbow. Once I got to the point where I gave in and just sat there without trying to force myself to move I felt better.
It was kind of amazing to discover and lean into a place where I could go no further. Pema writes about this in 'Start Where You Are - The Wisdom Of No Escape'. I happened to crack that particular book later in the afternoon after said edge discovery. I don't remember verbatim what she wrote but I do remember her talking about the idea that it doesn't really matter where you are when you discover your edge the point is that you reached it, notice it and can learn from it.
I'm not totally certain what I'm learning from this particular edge but I do know that the more I open my heart to myself and this place the easier it is to be with it.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
INFJ
Okay, I hate personality profiling, I think it's totally lame. What irks me aren't the tests, it's the idea that after taking one people will just suddenly know how to interact with me or anyone else. That I'll be summarily categorized and never really listened to or understood. This is my fear associated with these things; perhaps it's reactionary - so be it.
But I took one anyway - on an online dating site no less - and apparently I am an 'Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judger'.
Here's more about me as an INJF:
The written word is sacred to you because through it, you can understand and express the mysteries of life. When you are not writing, you are exercising another of your supreme talents - the gift of listening - to comfort and aid those who come to you for advice and guidance.
INFJ when in love
When it comes to affairs of the heart, you prefer to express yourself with your pen: poetry, journal writing, and tender notes left on the bathroom mirror are your favorite methods of communicating your love and devotion. As a Mystic Writer (only about 2 percent of the population), you tend to devote most of your time and energy to your mate. In fact, you can be quite content having your partner as your sole source of quality companionship - as your best and only friend. Unfortunately, this near-obsession with one individual as your sole source of emotional support could cause you grief. You may decide to avoid your loved ones and spend all your time with your partner, only to find out later, perhaps much later, that he or she is absolutely wrong for you. In the mean time, you prolong a bad relationship by deluding yourself - with your highly developed sense of imagination - into believing he or she is the right one.
INFJ where to meet
Where can you meet a Mystic Writer? Mystic Writers are the most reclusive of the Meaning Seeker LoveTypes. You may have a hard time unearthing them because they often enjoy kicking back at home: reading, writing, thinking, praying, meditating, or listening to music. Excellent places to meet Mystic Writers include churches, synagogues, or other religious institutions. Although any of the LoveTypes may be involved in religious or spiritual activities, Mystic Writers are especially known for their spiritual (although not necessarily religious in the traditional sense) nature.
Wow - so now I have a good excuse for all the writing I so like to do! And! Bonus prize an explanation for my imagination which has gotten me into trouble a time or two but it's been some of the best trouble imaginable!!!!!
But I took one anyway - on an online dating site no less - and apparently I am an 'Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judger'.
Here's more about me as an INJF:
The written word is sacred to you because through it, you can understand and express the mysteries of life. When you are not writing, you are exercising another of your supreme talents - the gift of listening - to comfort and aid those who come to you for advice and guidance.
INFJ when in love
When it comes to affairs of the heart, you prefer to express yourself with your pen: poetry, journal writing, and tender notes left on the bathroom mirror are your favorite methods of communicating your love and devotion. As a Mystic Writer (only about 2 percent of the population), you tend to devote most of your time and energy to your mate. In fact, you can be quite content having your partner as your sole source of quality companionship - as your best and only friend. Unfortunately, this near-obsession with one individual as your sole source of emotional support could cause you grief. You may decide to avoid your loved ones and spend all your time with your partner, only to find out later, perhaps much later, that he or she is absolutely wrong for you. In the mean time, you prolong a bad relationship by deluding yourself - with your highly developed sense of imagination - into believing he or she is the right one.
INFJ where to meet
Where can you meet a Mystic Writer? Mystic Writers are the most reclusive of the Meaning Seeker LoveTypes. You may have a hard time unearthing them because they often enjoy kicking back at home: reading, writing, thinking, praying, meditating, or listening to music. Excellent places to meet Mystic Writers include churches, synagogues, or other religious institutions. Although any of the LoveTypes may be involved in religious or spiritual activities, Mystic Writers are especially known for their spiritual (although not necessarily religious in the traditional sense) nature.
Wow - so now I have a good excuse for all the writing I so like to do! And! Bonus prize an explanation for my imagination which has gotten me into trouble a time or two but it's been some of the best trouble imaginable!!!!!
Our Perception Of Personal Power
We are far less powerful than we think and far more powerful than we realize; the space between the two ia a barren canyon.
It is within the smallest choices we make in each moment - which thought we entertain, which emotion we grasp onto for dear life, which one we let pass by like a cloud - that our power lies. And we have nothing but choices in this life and as such we are extremely powerful beings.
On the flip side, we struggle, we grasp, we cling, we orchestra symphonies of thought based on an underlying supposition that we have control of things and people outside of ourselves and through a cunning execution of our thought forms we can control everything in order to maintain the homeostasis that keeps us from coming face to face with the dreaded uncertainty - not knowing - being in the moment and not having a clue - the raw, unpolished edges of shame, fear, love, hope, happiness, sorrow, grief, sadness, the unknown, whatever it is.
The truth is we are simply not powerful enough to control to the extent that our fear would like us to.
If we could simply remember that the power we do have sits in our willingness to take responsibility for our choices we might be less inclined to attempt to control.
It is within the smallest choices we make in each moment - which thought we entertain, which emotion we grasp onto for dear life, which one we let pass by like a cloud - that our power lies. And we have nothing but choices in this life and as such we are extremely powerful beings.
On the flip side, we struggle, we grasp, we cling, we orchestra symphonies of thought based on an underlying supposition that we have control of things and people outside of ourselves and through a cunning execution of our thought forms we can control everything in order to maintain the homeostasis that keeps us from coming face to face with the dreaded uncertainty - not knowing - being in the moment and not having a clue - the raw, unpolished edges of shame, fear, love, hope, happiness, sorrow, grief, sadness, the unknown, whatever it is.
The truth is we are simply not powerful enough to control to the extent that our fear would like us to.
If we could simply remember that the power we do have sits in our willingness to take responsibility for our choices we might be less inclined to attempt to control.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
What Do You Do When You Can't Be Present
I'm so nerve wracked lately; for two very different reasons. I'm having a really hard time just staying in present time; I keep finding myself fast forwarding into the future as an attempt to create some sense of safety and peace. In the end this is of course pretty silly because I just end up coming back to the present to find all the stuff that's pushing my buttons in the first place.
I was reading some Pema the other night and she was talking about trying to see everything that comes up as simply occurrences and spaciousness. I think the idea is that cultivating this perspective is a good way to get us out from under the attachment to what we like and don't like.
I have such a fear of loss sometimes - I guess everyone does - I'm sure struggling with it now - I think it's what motivates me to take little sojourns into future time. When that fear shows up it wreaks havoc - I am unable to listen to what my body and being are telling me - any balance I'd previously cultivated is whacked. Once I snap out of it I worry that my fear has caused me to make mistakes that will in the end contribute to the loss that I'm afraid of to begin with. And so the self fulfilling prophecy is born! Wahhhhhoooooooo!
Okay, so what the fuck am I going to do, say hello to fear and make friends with it. Sounds fun. Pema would tell me something like work with unlimited friendliness and unconditional love for myself in order to embrace everything that comes up - Eddie would tell me a joke that would make me laugh and help shake off the nervous energy that's working me.
I guess in a matter of speaking I just have to remember that no matter what happens everything is going to be okay.
I was reading some Pema the other night and she was talking about trying to see everything that comes up as simply occurrences and spaciousness. I think the idea is that cultivating this perspective is a good way to get us out from under the attachment to what we like and don't like.
I have such a fear of loss sometimes - I guess everyone does - I'm sure struggling with it now - I think it's what motivates me to take little sojourns into future time. When that fear shows up it wreaks havoc - I am unable to listen to what my body and being are telling me - any balance I'd previously cultivated is whacked. Once I snap out of it I worry that my fear has caused me to make mistakes that will in the end contribute to the loss that I'm afraid of to begin with. And so the self fulfilling prophecy is born! Wahhhhhoooooooo!
Okay, so what the fuck am I going to do, say hello to fear and make friends with it. Sounds fun. Pema would tell me something like work with unlimited friendliness and unconditional love for myself in order to embrace everything that comes up - Eddie would tell me a joke that would make me laugh and help shake off the nervous energy that's working me.
I guess in a matter of speaking I just have to remember that no matter what happens everything is going to be okay.
Friday, October 19, 2007
4 Ways To Rock My World
- put Purple Rain soundtrack on repeat
- remind me that time doesn't actually exist and that the time i have left before my product is set to launch will be more than enough because it (time - not my product) is imaginary anyway
- take me to a dance floor
- make me laugh
somebody ..... please .... i'm dying over here.
- remind me that time doesn't actually exist and that the time i have left before my product is set to launch will be more than enough because it (time - not my product) is imaginary anyway
- take me to a dance floor
- make me laugh
somebody ..... please .... i'm dying over here.
Sound In Your Head - Back From The Dead
People actually reading 'Sound In Your Head' - so I opened it back up!
Which led to my reading some of it - and wow - I did some stuff.
Which led to my reading some of it - and wow - I did some stuff.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Fall Pruning
It's beautiful here - I spent hours on my bike over the weekend soaking up the sun that will soon be replaced by clouds and rain.
And tonight I put 'Sound In Your Head' to rest.
I started it in 2002 and five years later I look back on it as a very different person. I'm not entirely sure that I'm the type of person who blogs anymore.
Posting life updates on Twitter and Facebook seem equally vapid but socially acceptable for the moment.
I wish I could get behind the blogging thing 100% but when I look back at all my posts I'm not sure who I'm writing for or who the hell would even read what I wrote.
Eddie and Pema may vanish as well but for now it's still here.
And tonight I put 'Sound In Your Head' to rest.
I started it in 2002 and five years later I look back on it as a very different person. I'm not entirely sure that I'm the type of person who blogs anymore.
Posting life updates on Twitter and Facebook seem equally vapid but socially acceptable for the moment.
I wish I could get behind the blogging thing 100% but when I look back at all my posts I'm not sure who I'm writing for or who the hell would even read what I wrote.
Eddie and Pema may vanish as well but for now it's still here.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Tracker - RIP
Today I got the news that my friend Kyle Brown, otherwise known throughout the world as Tracker, died two weeks ago.
Tracker was one of the few people who I grew up with in Sacramento that knew very much about me and what's interesting was that I don't ever remember having to explain or sort myself out to him.
I met Tracker at an underground club no doubt; he was the big black dude amongst a bunch of skinny, pale new wave kids. He looked after the girls; I remember that. And Tracker knew without question how much music meant to me. This was something that we shared.
While I was working for Tower Records in Boston (after having left Sacramento), Tracker showed up in my life again vis a via a self portrait in sharpie on a piece of cardboard that got shipped from MTS in Sacramento where he worked to the basement of my store in Boston. It read, 'To Stacia Yo, Ho! Tracker'. I remember wandering down to the basement of the store one day only to find this little message sitting on the floor waiting for me to stumble across it. It made me smile, it made me feel like someone from my home missed and remembered me.
While I was working for CMJ in New York City, an instant message window with an unfamiliar name popped up on my monitor. Boom! A decade later there was Tracker. We picked up right where we left off talking about music, he sent me some of his stuff to listen to and asked for my opinions, was quick to tell me how much they meant to him given my love and devotion to music. He made me feel terrific and he made me feel understood.
Thank you Tracker - you are missed, loved and will be remembered.
Tracker was one of the few people who I grew up with in Sacramento that knew very much about me and what's interesting was that I don't ever remember having to explain or sort myself out to him.
I met Tracker at an underground club no doubt; he was the big black dude amongst a bunch of skinny, pale new wave kids. He looked after the girls; I remember that. And Tracker knew without question how much music meant to me. This was something that we shared.
While I was working for Tower Records in Boston (after having left Sacramento), Tracker showed up in my life again vis a via a self portrait in sharpie on a piece of cardboard that got shipped from MTS in Sacramento where he worked to the basement of my store in Boston. It read, 'To Stacia Yo, Ho! Tracker'. I remember wandering down to the basement of the store one day only to find this little message sitting on the floor waiting for me to stumble across it. It made me smile, it made me feel like someone from my home missed and remembered me.
While I was working for CMJ in New York City, an instant message window with an unfamiliar name popped up on my monitor. Boom! A decade later there was Tracker. We picked up right where we left off talking about music, he sent me some of his stuff to listen to and asked for my opinions, was quick to tell me how much they meant to him given my love and devotion to music. He made me feel terrific and he made me feel understood.
Thank you Tracker - you are missed, loved and will be remembered.
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