Two months too long without a post .....
New developments on all fronts of life are leading me in the discovery of new aspects of myself.
I'm now actually teaching meditation - as in standing up in front of people sitting in chairs with their eyes closed and leading them by way of instruction in practicing awareness. It is such an honor and such a privilege and something I am deeply enjoying.
In addition to this I'm working with advanced students who are in the process of learning how to work with others - I assist them in growing their ability to discern and shift their understanding of themselves and how they walk in the world.
And all of this description is still just ego - the 'I' that stands in front of an experience. Without one it can be pretty difficult to operate in the physical world. The trick is simply to remember that it is there and that the 'I' of the ego is not who I am or who anyone else is.
I have missed writing. This morning I read something I wrote a few weeks ago and in doing so realized just how important it is - whether for an audience or just for myself. The process of writing is somehow linked to my ongoing sense of self, orientation and integrity. The organization of words to illustrate thoughts rests on top of a process of exploration and examination.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Sex, Death And Religion
'in a night time telly, sort of way' so said eddie when speaking about the druids.
i just like the grouping because i think most issues in life come down to this little triad.
what are we afraid of, what do we long for, what we fear we can't live without, what we really can't live with, what we use to navigate ourselves through life and on and on.
we make porn where i work. depictions of sexual behavior and expression are around me all day long. some of the work we produce is considered hardcore. some of it, from my perspective, begins to address both fear of death as well as fundamental beliefs and perceptions of what one can and cannot experience. we bring sexual fantasies to life - we create an environment where healthy sexual exploration can occur.
at night i work with people from every different walk of life who are examining beliefs about sex, death and religion and everything in between. i am in training to teach people how to discern between their information and the information of others.
i just like the grouping because i think most issues in life come down to this little triad.
what are we afraid of, what do we long for, what we fear we can't live without, what we really can't live with, what we use to navigate ourselves through life and on and on.
we make porn where i work. depictions of sexual behavior and expression are around me all day long. some of the work we produce is considered hardcore. some of it, from my perspective, begins to address both fear of death as well as fundamental beliefs and perceptions of what one can and cannot experience. we bring sexual fantasies to life - we create an environment where healthy sexual exploration can occur.
at night i work with people from every different walk of life who are examining beliefs about sex, death and religion and everything in between. i am in training to teach people how to discern between their information and the information of others.
Friday, May 16, 2008
First Night Of Teacher Training
Last night was my first night as a meditation teacher in training ~ I was thrilled. I enjoyed it more than I anticipated I might.
My class has some 12 students; one of which is a 10 year old boy. Watching this kid sit through multiple meditations and answer questions about his experience totally confirmed my aspiration to teach kids. My heart just went through the roof; teaching anyone anything is a unique privilege - teaching someone how to meditate and thus be in communication with themselves is an honor.
Additionally, I'm learning about the basics of meditation all over again. There's some saying - we teach what we want to know - well yeah, that's for sure.
This might just be the coolest meditation class I've had thus far!
My class has some 12 students; one of which is a 10 year old boy. Watching this kid sit through multiple meditations and answer questions about his experience totally confirmed my aspiration to teach kids. My heart just went through the roof; teaching anyone anything is a unique privilege - teaching someone how to meditate and thus be in communication with themselves is an honor.
Additionally, I'm learning about the basics of meditation all over again. There's some saying - we teach what we want to know - well yeah, that's for sure.
This might just be the coolest meditation class I've had thus far!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
American Hardcore And Gender
Finally saw American Hardcore last night; very interesting film and sentiments expressed. A lot of the commentary about living in California during the Reagan administration I found to be an accurate reflection of what I was experiencing as a very young kid living in California during that time. There was absolutely nothing mellow about this place - there were underlying tensions and frustrations - a latent hostility that at the time I didn't really have a vocabulary to express.
At that time, musically speaking, I was studying classical form and likely just starting to get into jazz; I was vaguely aware of punk rock and hardcore but they weren't music that I got into at all.
When the question of where women showed up in hardcore the answer was 'keeing the books' and 'behind the cameras'. I could have guessed this and it made me very sad.
One of the 2 women interviewed who actually played music, Kimm Gardner,said something along the lines of not really ever being aware that she was a woman - this is very much how I felt growing up studying and playing jazz. I never considered my gender as part of the equation. That said, I definitely felt somewhat isolated from the people that were then my peers but I didn't ascribe those feelings to the fact that I was female at least not until I got to be a bit older and the idea of sexism was introduced to me.
Lately I've been giving gender and sexual orientation a lot of thought; I consider myself to be relatively heterosexual and certainly female. That said, I do not relate to typically heterosexual American lifestyle and the gender role that straight women take on.
On the flip side I never related to the riotgrrl movement or the whole era of 'women in rock' - it just seemed wrong to me that gender was a part of the equation of the expression of people. I think I simply see myself as a creative person - period.
Not fitting into a category of subculture has often left me feeling really isolated - there have been times in my life when I have yearned for the feelings of belonging that I imagine folks who are firmly planted in one group or another feel. I imagine everyone does.
At that time, musically speaking, I was studying classical form and likely just starting to get into jazz; I was vaguely aware of punk rock and hardcore but they weren't music that I got into at all.
When the question of where women showed up in hardcore the answer was 'keeing the books' and 'behind the cameras'. I could have guessed this and it made me very sad.
One of the 2 women interviewed who actually played music, Kimm Gardner,said something along the lines of not really ever being aware that she was a woman - this is very much how I felt growing up studying and playing jazz. I never considered my gender as part of the equation. That said, I definitely felt somewhat isolated from the people that were then my peers but I didn't ascribe those feelings to the fact that I was female at least not until I got to be a bit older and the idea of sexism was introduced to me.
Lately I've been giving gender and sexual orientation a lot of thought; I consider myself to be relatively heterosexual and certainly female. That said, I do not relate to typically heterosexual American lifestyle and the gender role that straight women take on.
On the flip side I never related to the riotgrrl movement or the whole era of 'women in rock' - it just seemed wrong to me that gender was a part of the equation of the expression of people. I think I simply see myself as a creative person - period.
Not fitting into a category of subculture has often left me feeling really isolated - there have been times in my life when I have yearned for the feelings of belonging that I imagine folks who are firmly planted in one group or another feel. I imagine everyone does.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
The Two Ends Of My Life
My life has always been odd if you looked at it from a certain angle. The current configuration may very well be the best example of said strangeness. As of this coming week, I will officially be on my way to becoming a meditation teacher. This has been a goal of mine for some time and the time has come to do it!
So by day I am a senior project manager working in adult entertainment and a by night a soon to be meditation teacher. Technically I am already a Reverend - I wonder how many Reverends work in adult entertainment - the Reverend title has always left me a little uncomfortable and at some point I will likely scrap it altogether but for now it's yet another identity that I possess.
I've debated how 'out' I want to be regarding my working in adult; I feel really strongly that we in the US need to get over our prudishness about sex in general. Bringing sex out of our closet and onto the table for discussion is probably the healthiest thing we could do for ourselves. It's everywhere already and yet we still seem to shy away from it.
As for spirituality - well sex can be a very spiritual thing - it seems natural to me as a spiritual practitioner to also be involved in the business of sexual expression.
On one level these two ends of my life are really one in the same.
So by day I am a senior project manager working in adult entertainment and a by night a soon to be meditation teacher. Technically I am already a Reverend - I wonder how many Reverends work in adult entertainment - the Reverend title has always left me a little uncomfortable and at some point I will likely scrap it altogether but for now it's yet another identity that I possess.
I've debated how 'out' I want to be regarding my working in adult; I feel really strongly that we in the US need to get over our prudishness about sex in general. Bringing sex out of our closet and onto the table for discussion is probably the healthiest thing we could do for ourselves. It's everywhere already and yet we still seem to shy away from it.
As for spirituality - well sex can be a very spiritual thing - it seems natural to me as a spiritual practitioner to also be involved in the business of sexual expression.
On one level these two ends of my life are really one in the same.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
whatthefuck.com
Yeah, I'm not sure about the title either, but it feels good so I'm going with it.
Life is funny, I mean really fucking funny, I think if Eddie and Pema had bred their offspring would definitely spray obscenities like a sailor so I'm also going with it.
I can't help myself today clearly. So go with it - again.
As I get more into the habit of focusing inward I am faced with greater calm; which feels good. It also raises interesting questions. Like what the fuck am I doing here?
Well, the correct answer to that question is not to answer it lest I get trapped into the hamster wheel of death otherwise known as analytical feedback loop.
But this is a different question - same words - but entirely different question.
I have become acutely aware that I spend a tremendous amount of time focusing my attention outside of myself. Why? I am uncertain and that's irrelevant for now.
When I know what I need to do life can be a little dull?
Nah, try again.
When I am focused and know what I need to do I'm not really clear on how to relate to the rest of what's going on around me. It's switching gears and understanding how the two realities work together or maybe how they can work together with greater fluidity.
I haven't posted in awhile; the last 3+ months have been busy. New job, travel and lots of other comings and goings.
Life is funny, I mean really fucking funny, I think if Eddie and Pema had bred their offspring would definitely spray obscenities like a sailor so I'm also going with it.
I can't help myself today clearly. So go with it - again.
As I get more into the habit of focusing inward I am faced with greater calm; which feels good. It also raises interesting questions. Like what the fuck am I doing here?
Well, the correct answer to that question is not to answer it lest I get trapped into the hamster wheel of death otherwise known as analytical feedback loop.
But this is a different question - same words - but entirely different question.
I have become acutely aware that I spend a tremendous amount of time focusing my attention outside of myself. Why? I am uncertain and that's irrelevant for now.
When I know what I need to do life can be a little dull?
Nah, try again.
When I am focused and know what I need to do I'm not really clear on how to relate to the rest of what's going on around me. It's switching gears and understanding how the two realities work together or maybe how they can work together with greater fluidity.
I haven't posted in awhile; the last 3+ months have been busy. New job, travel and lots of other comings and goings.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Charlie Wilson's War And Everything Else
I saw Charlie Wilson's War last night with a friend of mine who is rather geo-politically minded. In the end the flick is a rental but worth seeing. I was pleased to see a relatively mainstream American film that attempted to tell the story of our involvement in arming the Muhjadeen against the Soviets.
After the flick my friend and I were talking politics; he's set on voting for Ron Paul and believes that anyone who is truly anti-war has no other option. I'm afraid he's correct. And I'm also afraid that he was correct when he said Paul will lose and we'll likely start a few other wars and bankrupt ourselves. I can see this as a distinct possibility and it pains me because I don't know what to do, where to go or really where the hell I belong in all of this.
Last Fall I attended a weekend retreat led by Pema Chodron that centered around Cultivating Peace In a Time of War. At first blush I wasn't really interested in the topic - it sounded too 1969 to me. I paid for the pricey ticket because Pema was going to speak and I really wanted to witness her teaching in real time.
What Pema chose to focus on was starting with our relationship to ourselves as a way to cultivate peace. She taught how to cultivate unconditional friendliness for ourselves which is really a genius concept. If we could only be friendly towards every thing that comes up within us the odds that anyone would be motivated to commit acts of violence would be pretty slim. Unconditional friendliness is like being willing to simply say 'hello' to every twitch, twinge, itch, smile, fright, fear, shiver, chuckle, shutter, daze, confusion, passion, ambivalence ...... thing that arises within. This is no small task; it requires discipline and patience not to mention a willingness to sit with feelings that are all too often highly uncomfortable.
This is something I attempt to do and often I forget to do it. Last night as my friend was rattling off different futures that may befall us here in the US I got very depressed and frustrated. I felt helpless. And I wondered what he thought his part in all of this was; especially if his vote was for a candidate that was destined to lose.
While all of this was reeling in my mind Pema's teachings were percolating in the background. I started to get conscious of my breath and calm my mind. I remembered how much power we each have as individuals when we choose to accept responsibility for ourselves.
And then I felt relief. The world became a much smaller place in my mind. The overwhelm and sense of impending doom subsided.
I still wonder if on some level what I experienced was a form of denial. I'm sure through some lens one could see it that way. I like to think of it as the one of the only viable realistic actions I could possibly take. I can't save the world, Iraq or this country but I can save myself. Thankfully.
After the flick my friend and I were talking politics; he's set on voting for Ron Paul and believes that anyone who is truly anti-war has no other option. I'm afraid he's correct. And I'm also afraid that he was correct when he said Paul will lose and we'll likely start a few other wars and bankrupt ourselves. I can see this as a distinct possibility and it pains me because I don't know what to do, where to go or really where the hell I belong in all of this.
Last Fall I attended a weekend retreat led by Pema Chodron that centered around Cultivating Peace In a Time of War. At first blush I wasn't really interested in the topic - it sounded too 1969 to me. I paid for the pricey ticket because Pema was going to speak and I really wanted to witness her teaching in real time.
What Pema chose to focus on was starting with our relationship to ourselves as a way to cultivate peace. She taught how to cultivate unconditional friendliness for ourselves which is really a genius concept. If we could only be friendly towards every thing that comes up within us the odds that anyone would be motivated to commit acts of violence would be pretty slim. Unconditional friendliness is like being willing to simply say 'hello' to every twitch, twinge, itch, smile, fright, fear, shiver, chuckle, shutter, daze, confusion, passion, ambivalence ...... thing that arises within. This is no small task; it requires discipline and patience not to mention a willingness to sit with feelings that are all too often highly uncomfortable.
This is something I attempt to do and often I forget to do it. Last night as my friend was rattling off different futures that may befall us here in the US I got very depressed and frustrated. I felt helpless. And I wondered what he thought his part in all of this was; especially if his vote was for a candidate that was destined to lose.
While all of this was reeling in my mind Pema's teachings were percolating in the background. I started to get conscious of my breath and calm my mind. I remembered how much power we each have as individuals when we choose to accept responsibility for ourselves.
And then I felt relief. The world became a much smaller place in my mind. The overwhelm and sense of impending doom subsided.
I still wonder if on some level what I experienced was a form of denial. I'm sure through some lens one could see it that way. I like to think of it as the one of the only viable realistic actions I could possibly take. I can't save the world, Iraq or this country but I can save myself. Thankfully.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Everything Is Great In 2008
Wow - this year got started with a rush of change and shifting energy.
No longer working on Lexy and now taking some time to look at what's next and pursue some personal projects. Namely, writing an app that grabs data from a bunch of different sources and mashes it together. Yeah, I know not particularly original but I'm writing in Java for the first time in about 8 years which is .... well fun and humbling and well fun and humbling.
Wondering what the future of online music is in 2008? It's nearly been 10 years since I started working in the space and what's remarkable to me is that while the technology and people involved have grown and changed we're still trying to solve the same problems. Is this sad or just commentary on the nature of evolution?
Training like mad - well not like mad - but training nonetheless and now being asked to eat eight egg whites a day? Yeah, there's gonna be a whole lot of salsa involved in that equation.
No longer working on Lexy and now taking some time to look at what's next and pursue some personal projects. Namely, writing an app that grabs data from a bunch of different sources and mashes it together. Yeah, I know not particularly original but I'm writing in Java for the first time in about 8 years which is .... well fun and humbling and well fun and humbling.
Wondering what the future of online music is in 2008? It's nearly been 10 years since I started working in the space and what's remarkable to me is that while the technology and people involved have grown and changed we're still trying to solve the same problems. Is this sad or just commentary on the nature of evolution?
Training like mad - well not like mad - but training nonetheless and now being asked to eat eight egg whites a day? Yeah, there's gonna be a whole lot of salsa involved in that equation.
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