What Do You Do When You Can't Be Present

I'm so nerve wracked lately; for two very different reasons. I'm having a really hard time just staying in present time; I keep finding myself fast forwarding into the future as an attempt to create some sense of safety and peace. In the end this is of course pretty silly because I just end up coming back to the present to find all the stuff that's pushing my buttons in the first place.

I was reading some Pema the other night and she was talking about trying to see everything that comes up as simply occurrences and spaciousness. I think the idea is that cultivating this perspective is a good way to get us out from under the attachment to what we like and don't like.

I have such a fear of loss sometimes - I guess everyone does - I'm sure struggling with it now - I think it's what motivates me to take little sojourns into future time. When that fear shows up it wreaks havoc - I am unable to listen to what my body and being are telling me - any balance I'd previously cultivated is whacked. Once I snap out of it I worry that my fear has caused me to make mistakes that will in the end contribute to the loss that I'm afraid of to begin with. And so the self fulfilling prophecy is born! Wahhhhhoooooooo!

Okay, so what the fuck am I going to do, say hello to fear and make friends with it. Sounds fun. Pema would tell me something like work with unlimited friendliness and unconditional love for myself in order to embrace everything that comes up - Eddie would tell me a joke that would make me laugh and help shake off the nervous energy that's working me.

I guess in a matter of speaking I just have to remember that no matter what happens everything is going to be okay.